God's Time

It has been a while since I have posted. For a while I thought there really wasn't much to write about. But on further reflection I realized there was perhaps too much to write about. Today is different. Today there is really only one thing on my mind.

One year ago today, my dad went home to be with the Lord. I have been wondering how I would feel on this particular day. A few days ago I was reading a blog by Dr. Joe McKeever entitled Before You Leave Us. It talked of things that Dr. Joe wanted his parents to know. I commented on that blog as an encouragement to Brother Joe but the next day I received an email from him. He was concerned that he had made me feel bad about not saying some of those things to my dad. I have never met Brother Joe but this one little email showed me that he truly cares about people. So if you get the chance, read his writings. That blog caused me to think of the conversations dad and I had in the weeks and even just a few days before he became too sick to talk. We discussed his salvation and mine and how ready we were to meet the Lord Jesus. We talked of good times we had together, things he wished he had made better decisions on and how he wished we could go fishing.

I wasn't always the best son but I know this, my dad knew how much I loved him. I often got frustrated when going at night to help him to bed as it took time away from my family but I believe God knew what he was doing when he gave me those times to spend with my dad. There were even times while dad was in ICU on a ventilator that God used to allow me to tell dad things I needed to say. Those were pretty good times because dad couldn't argue with me or talk back, all he could do was nod his acknowledgment of what I had told him and mouth the words I Love You.

So how do I feel about today? I thought I would be sad; I even expected a few tears. I definitely miss my daddy greatly and there are things I would love to be able to sit and talk to him about. I have spent much of Saturday and today contemplating why, as I think of not having my dad here, I don't really feel sad or empty. It is often said that "time heals all wounds" but I am not sure that is true. Maybe for physical wounds but I believe the only thing that can heal the loss of a loved one is "God's Time".

You see, me and my dad were close all my life. There were ups and there were downs along the way. As I got older and had my own family, I did not spend as much time with my dad or my mom for that matter. God knew he would be taking dad home soon and He provided opportunities for me to spend time with my dad. I think the one time I cherish the most is having been able to watch and Alabama game with dad in the hospital just a few weeks before he died. Now that was quality time! That was "God's Time"! I firmly believe that God has kept the sadness and hurt out of my life because there is no reason for me to fret over a loved one that is spending their time in Heaven. I know one day Dad and I will be sitting on the banks of the Jordan talking with Jesus and reeling in tons of Crappie for a Heavenly fish fry. That will definitely be "God's Time"!

Brad


Technorati Tags: Sadness, Time, Loss, Family, Hurt

Who's Your Daddy?

Composed from sunny Tampa, FL --



I have been attending the INNUA Global Connect technology conference in Tampa this week and I had the opportunity to hear a very interesting and captivating speaker. His name is Frank Abagnale, Jr.. Frank spent over five years in the Sixties living under assumed identities and passing bad checks worth over $2.5 million in at least 26 countries. I would encourage you to read his ghostwritten biography Catch Me If You Can or see the 2002 Steven Spielberg movie by the same name. Or better yet, find Frank speaking somewhere and get it straight from him.



As a technology professional, I was looking forward to hearing about his exploits and how he helps fight similar fraudulent activity today. Instead, he told his story in his words. It is a very exciting story in which he left home at the age of 16 and traveled the world on his mature looks and forging checks to survive. Finally caught, after serving time in a couple of European prisons, Frank is escorted home by the FBI and learns of his fathers death. I found the remainder of his speech fascinating and impressive as he began to speak of what it means to be, not just a father, but a DADDY!



With Father's Day approaching, I found it very appropriate and that is why I am writing this today. Frank spoke of how his father, Frank, Sr., never failed to kiss his children and tell them he loved them. He said to be a man, you have to become a daddy. Anyone can be a father to a child but only a man would show the affection and care to his family and children that makes him a daddy. Frank, Jr. realized that God had given him a second chance to be a man.



God intended us, as men, to be daddies. Being faithful to our families, our friends and most of all to our God. That is what makes a real man. I have many similar memories of my father. I can't remember a time that he failed to tell me he loved me. Not even when he was angry with me. Even when I had grown up and had my own family, dad always made it a point to give me a hug or a kiss on the cheek and tell me he loved me. I miss him everyday and I still see the lessons I learned from him as I act them out, most of the time, unknowingly.



So, I want you to ask yourself this Father's Day, "Who's Your Daddy?". I'm not implying that you don't know who he is, but rather, do you consider him just your father or do you consider him your daddy? Being a daddy means you make sacrifices for the benefit of your family. A daddy sacrifices without questioning if it is the right thing to do. To allow a child to have things better than they had them, daddies give up many things. Many times we as children don't see those sacrifices but they are made anyway.



So, if you are a father, if you have children of your own, adopted children, foster children, or if you mentor a child in any way; go be a daddy today. Start the process of positive lessons and memories for your precious children. As Frank Abagnale stated in his speech, "Children are entitled to a mother and a father." As unpopular as it may be to say we, as parents, have no right to take that entitlement away through divorce. Go be a daddy!!!



Children, if your daddy is still alive and you can get in touch with him, tell him how much you appreciate the things he does or has done for you. I think a man, a daddy, needs to hear that. He won't complain if he doesn't but if you realize how much he loves you, he deserves to know he's made a difference in your life. I was able to tell my dad before he passed away that he had made a difference in my life and I was still learning lessons from him, important lessons, through his illness. Even though he was unable to express himself verbally near the end of his life, he knew that he would not be with me much longer but, I could see the pride in his eyes as he realized that even through his faults, he had raised a man and a daddy.



Today, I make it a point to always tell my wife and daughter I love them. Even if they are asleep, they both receive a kiss and an 'I Love You' from me. I hope they always know that if I am home, they may not have felt the kiss or heard the words, but I have kissed them good night and told them I love them. And when I travel, I always call home before they go to bed with an I love you, no matter what my schedule.



Girls, I'll see you in a few hours!! Daddy loves you both very much!!



Posted from Nashville, TN airport --



Brad

Hard Holidays

I know I haven’t written for about two months now and some of you have been asking when I am going to write again. I have wanted to write several times and have had some interesting thoughts but I guess I just had to take a little break. Maybe it just wasn’t time for me to write. Well, I’m back and I will try to write at least a couple of times a month and hopefully more. I can’t promise that I won’t write about dad from time to time but I after this post my desire is to be more upbeat and positive in my writings.

It has been a little over two months since dad went home to be with the Lord. It is so strange, though it has only been two months it seems like he has been gone for an eternity and yet at times I feel like he never left. I really miss him and on more than one occasion I have picked up the phone to call him and ask him a question or just maybe to talk. I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving but I made it through, albeit with only few sad moments, I was dreading it at first but as Thanksgiving Day dawned, I did not fear facing the day without being able to see or talk to my dad. Perhaps it is because we had made our peace with each other long before this episode of illness and we had even confirmed our love for each other just the day before he was placed in ICU. I hear people talk about how hard it is to go through the holidays without their loved ones and I know it is true. But we have to hold on to the memory of what was and not wish for what might have been. Our loved ones have completed their journey on this earth so lets not be sad for them. We should remember the happy times of the past and create happy memories for the future. There will always be an empty spot where our loved ones used to be; there will forever be an empty spot at Christmas breakfast where dad should be but, there will forever be memories of his love for me. Though I will miss dad for the rest of my life I have no regrets about our relationship. Don’t live your life with regret, do what you know is right. Spend time with your family. Make memories that will last a lifetime.

I hope I haven’t rambled too much and I hope you got something out of this message. If you didn’t, I’ll try better next time. After all, I haven’t written in two months, I’m a bit rusty.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Brad Walker

Another New Day

I wrote about A New Day not too long ago. Today is a another new day for me. I have spent one week without my dad and my heart is broken. I haven"t written in a while so let me try to catch up.

Thursday, October 12, 2006: I visited dad this evening. He was unresponsive to my touch, questions or commands, though when the respiratory therapist came in and moved his oxygen monitor on his finger, he clinched his fist and wouldn't let her put it back on. This was the only sign he was still with us. Usually when he doesn't respond or wake up, I just stay 15-20 minutes and go home. Tonight I felt as though I shouldn't leave so quickly so, I stayed for about an hour or so. As I looked out the window in the dark night, I prayed that God would work out his will in dad's life and to keep him from suffering. When I arrived home, met me at the top of the stairs and asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing but I was a little depressed. I was thinking a lot about the times I had complained to her about having to go and put dad to bed, especially when I had something else planned. My thoughts were of God telling me, "Brad, since you complained so much about taking your dad to bed, you won't have to do that any more."; And then dad ends up in the hospital where others are taking care of him and I'm just in the way. I know that's not the way God works but I guess it is a natural thought during a long illness of a loved one.

Friday, October 13, 2006: I went to work this morning and immediately began the daily fire drill of fixing what was broken. My latest project was on the rocks and sinking fast so I had to get the vendor working on it ASAP. I received a call from the nurses at about 10:30am saying that dad's vital signs didn't look good. So, I drop what I am doing and jump in the truck headed for the hospital. When I got to the room, dad's blood pressure was 95/45 and I remember thinking, "This isn't good." Dad was still unresponsive and his vital signs were very weak. The doctor had stopped by to talk with me and told me things did not look very promising. She also told me that they had noticed blood in dad's urine and began testing for what they already knew; confirmation came back this morning that his kidneys were already shutting down. Jennifer came in and encouraged me to talk to him but I couldn't say much without tearing up because I knew what was to soon come. I told her I wanted to talk to him but I just couldn't get the words out without crying uncontrollably and I didn't want him to know how upset I was. Later that evening we decided to go get a bite to eat. During the meal we discussed whether or not to go back to the hospital and stay with dad. We decided that we should go home and get a good night's sleep because there might be some long days and nights ahead before the inevitable occurred. I found it difficult to go to sleep knowing that the phone might ring any minute with bad news.

Saturday, October 14th, 2006: The phone rings and my biggest fear is now real. The nurse told me that we needed to come right away. We quickly dressed and headed to the hospital. As we got off of the elevator and headed to dad's room, the nurse stepped from behind the desk and with tears in her eyes she shook her head. I asked, "He's gone?" and she nodded her head. I grabbed Jennifer and held her tight as my heart broke. My daddy was gone. I had been expecting this with every phone call for the past eight or ten years. Now it had finally come to pass. My pastor had just arrived and the nurse let us into the room to see dad. Jennifer commented on the peaceful look on dad's face, he seemed to finally be at rest. As she looked out the window she noticed a beautiful sunrise over the hilltops. It seemed so fitting to see such beauty through the window and I could imagine dad had seen that sunrise as he was led by angels to meet the Master in heaven. Brother Jim mentioned how Jesus had risen early in the morning to meet with his Father in Heaven and it seemed that my dad had done just that; he had risen early from his worn out earthly body to meet with Jesus. At 5:37am, dad went home to be with Jesus.

In just a couple of hours it will be a full week since dad left this world. He has begun a new day in Heaven. His days will no longer be filled with gasping for breath or wondering if the next breath will be his last. No more pain or suffering. I am still here and I will make it through this but, my heart is broken. We are never truly prepared to lose a loved one but, I believe God has been preparing me for this for quite some time now. I believe the times of taking dad to bed over the last year or so were provided by God as a way for us to spend time together when my schedule wouldn't allow any other time. Dad and I used to talk on the phone almost every night, even if I was coming over to take him to bed. I believe God used the last thirteen weeks of dad being in the hospital as a way to get me used to not talking to dad every night. I believe God allowed me to go home the night before dad passed away because I don't think I could have handled being in the room when he passed. I also believe God has prompted me, through the encouragement of other people, to start writing these journals to help me express my feelings and to help ease the pain by sharing it with others. There are many other ways that I can see God's providence through this trial and I realize, none of this is about me or dad. It is about God getting the glory for helping us in our time of need. He promised he would never leave us or forsake us and I believe he has been right by my side through all of this. We finished cleaning out dad's house yesterday and I think that was the hardest part so far because now it is real. There is no place to go that was dads; he is really gone.

Every day will be another new day for me for quite some time. I will be missing arguing with my dad over some silly thing or him fussing at me for shaving my head. Though it was inconvenient at times and very difficult to see him struggle to breathe, I will miss going and taking him to bed every night and I will miss the daily phone calls. I will miss being able to ask him advice on things like fishing, cooking, or maybe building a deck or playground for Jordan. I have lost my best friend, my biggest fan, and most of all, My Daddy.Brad Walker

The Essence of Time

A couple of weeks ago, dad was moved to a long term care unit in the hospital where he has been for the last ten weeks. Wow, ten weeks! It is amazing how our brains process time. It seems like only a few days ago dad went into the hospital yet, it also seems like he has been there for years. Where does the time go?

I recall spending my childhood days wishing for summer; school would be over and I could do all the fun things kids do when they aren’t in school. Then, as soon as it came, summer was over and it was time to go back to school again. Then the wish was for Christmas break and so on and so on the cycle continued. I began to think about these things recently when the Crimson Tide of Alabama faced the warthogs…ummmmm…. I mean Razorbacks of Arkansas. I had promised my dad I would spend the afternoon watching the game with him. Having been in SICU, I had not been able to spend more than a few minutes with him in over eight weeks. We enjoyed most of the game together but the nurses came in and gave him his medication just at the start of the fourth quarter causing him to fall asleep almost immediately. Even though he slept, I kept my promise and stayed to watch the remainder of the game, including two overtimes. These few hours will likely remain in my memory as some of the most precious times I have ever spent with my dad. Mike Shula’s boys lost the game but I won some much needed time with my dad.

This is the essence of time; it is not necessarily how you spend the time but simply that you took the time to spend with your loved one or friend. Many times we tend to be too busy to spend time with those we care about. Something always comes up and causes us to put off spending time with those closest to us. I recall a song by Harry Chapin that starts off like this:

A child arrived just the other day

He cam to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away.

And he learned to talk before I knew and as he grew,

He said “I’m gonna be like you, dad,

You know I’m gonna be like you”

Many of you probably remember the rest of the song. I can look back on my life and say I was much like the boy; I wanted to be like my dad. And as time passed, I can see all the times I had other things to do and did not go see my parents. Dad always tried to spend as much time with me as possible but there were those times when something else took the place of our time together. My dad may not have been the best dad but he was the best one I will ever have. I know I have a few precious days left with my dad (I already miss not talking to him on the phone every evening), so I am making the best of the times I can spend with him. I am also trying to make a conscious effort to spend time with my mom or at least calling her every day or so just to say hi because I know my time is limited with her, also, even though she is quite healthy. I am also trying to make time for other relatives that I just don’t get to see or talk to very often. But most of all I am trying to make sure I spend quality time with my daughter on a regular basis. I want her to know that she is important enough for me to spend time reading, playing dolls or just sitting and watching her movies.

We are only on this earth for a short period of time and we should use that time wisely. Taking time out of our busy schedules to spend with others could very well make all the difference in someone’s life; It says “You are important to me and I care about you”, you never even have to say a word. This is the Essence of Time!

Brad Walker

The Realities of Life

From my humble abode in beautiful Pinson, AL --

I experienced one of the most painful things in my life this past weekend. My dad, who has been in the hospital for just over four weeks now, called me in on Sunday to talk to me. I was very ill with a chest cold of my own so I was reluctant to go. Once I got there he was very agitated. The first thing he said to me was that he was giving up. Wow! What an eye opener. I had never really considered the very real possibility of my dad dying at this point. On most of the visits, when he is awake, he is so alive mentally. He knows everyone and he has even asked about Alabama football. How could he be giving up? Such are the realities of life. We all must face our mortality at some point. Hearing this from my dad with so much life left in him; It shot through my heart like a knife. I talked with him about it and I told him how much I didn't want him to leave just yet but if he was sure he was ready to go, I would try to accept that. I did, however, convince him that the nurse couldn’t do anything without his doctor's orders and that we should talk with the doctor before he made his final decision. I think he liked that idea. Once we had that settled, he relaxed and went to sleep. The thought was running through my head "How can I accept his decision to give up when there is so much life left in him?". My heart was still broken at the thought of losing my dad, though I know, one day God will call him home. The Bible tells us that it is appointed once for man to die. I can deal with that. But the thing that comforts me most when I think of losing my dad is in Ecclesiastes 7:1 which says, "...the day of death is better than the day of one's birth". There is a far better place in store for those who have accepted Christ as their Savior. I would encourage each of you reading this to take the time to evaluate your life; If you were to die while reading this message, do you know for sure where you would go? If you have accepted Christ as your Savior you'll be in heaven for all eternity and your death day will be the most beautiful and joyous day you will have experienced. If you don't know the Master as your Savior, I encourage you to seek Him out find a Bible preaching church and go to meet the Master he is waiting for you. If you don't know where to go or how to find Christ, contact me. I will be happy to introduce you to my Jesus so you can make Him your Jesus, too.

Now for some good news about dad. When the doctor talked with him on Monday, she convinced him that he was not ready to give up; dad trusts her very much and values her opinion. She ordered a tracheotomy so it would be more comfortable for him and also so they would not risk damaging his vocal cords. This will also allow them to manage the ventilator treatment. When they are ready to wean him off it is a simple snap and he is off then, if he is not ready another quick snap and he is back on. No more painful tube down his throat, no more discomfort from having that tube in his mouth and he may be able to talk with us a little which will alleviate some of his frustration in trying to communicate with us. I visited him Tuesday night and all of the nurses said he was very much happier without the tube in his mouth. When I went in to see him he was sleeping so peacefully we did not want to wake him. But, when I talked to the nurse about him, I asked her to make sure he knew I had been there. She wouldn’t let me leave until we woke him and he saw me there. He said he was feeling ok but his throat was sore; he was also feeling a little nauseous so the nurse gave him something for it. He seemed oveall in much better spirits and I know he is relieved to have that tube out of his throat. He seemed more ready to fight back now than he did on Sunday. For that I am so happy. I have never known my dad to just give up so I am glad he is willing to get back in the battle and come out of his corner fighting his lung disease until God is ready to take him home.  Make sure you are all ready to face the realities of life. Though your family and friends may be there to help and comfort you, there is only one who can heal the hurts of life. Whether it is the death of a loved one, financial difficulty, your own illness, or maybe a work issue, Jesus will never let you down and he will always give you peace about the issues of life. Turn your life over to him today. He will be your biggest fan, your confidant, your counselor, and best of all, he will be your best friend FOREVER!!

God Bless you all!!!!
John 15:12-13

Brad Walker

A Father's Lessons

I just came home from visiting dad and I can't believe what I am about to tell you.

Dad was sleeping when i visited but I was able to talk to the nurse and get some information. Dad is still on the ventilator but he is now on pressure support alone. In other words, dad is breathing on his own but the ventilator is providing positive pressure to help reduce the workload on his lungs and help strengthen them. The nurse said they would begin reducing the pressure as he could tolerate it and if he tolerates it well, he could possibly come off of the ventilator totally early next week.

Early on, the doctor warned that if placed on a ventilator, dad may not be able to live without it. She also mentioned that he has surprised her with his recoveries in the past so she was not going to put any kind of certainty on her assessment of his current condition. The phrase "God is good" keeps running through my mind.

Sometimes we teach people on purpose. Sometimes we teach people without knowing we are teaching. My dad has taught me many lessons over the years. From fishing and hunting to how to build a playhouse, a swing set or a deck. Some lessons were learned just by observing his actions.

Now, for my most recent lessons learned. No one knows the time we have on this earth. So, use your time wisely; make sure those you love know you how much you love them. I think the best way to do that is to use some of that time to plan for your last days so you and your loved ones can enjoy the time you have left without worrying about making arrangements for long term care or even funerals.

Brad